Looking back to the blissful times of middle school, excluding the drama, the heavenly days of the heated summer, the carefree days of childhood, we see ourselves desiring and reaching towards the past, but never actually acquiring it. As I sit at this computer, leg bent and other dangling in my preferred position, the melody and lyrics of "Still" by Matt Nathanson (link in the title) float through my ears and into my brain. I contemplate the times, in proximity as near as last week, that I created avoidable botches. I observe my daily diction, occasionally humiliated by it, and ponder at how I could have changed that situation just by words I could have manipulated differently.
This summer provides ample examples of how I left relationships and events neglected. It carries a heavy stench to replay events in my mind without the "undo" button where all returns to how they were before the lethal mistake was made. Especially, I recall how I delayed dealing with some of my middle school friendships. I carried the friendship far enough so that after the year started, I had a reason to bring the relationship to a cessation. Then I allow the relationship to fall as it will, similarly to leaves in the fall, the ultimate reason for the abrupt end being fear.
I tremble at the termination of times of gaiety. I was afraid, mainly of spoiling the fun before it needed to end. The party needn't relinquish because of me, so I backed away instead of bucking up and putting a little more effort into being the friend I should have. As it turns out, I look at the relationships with distress and regret. The friendships remain untied and lying in the course our lives, a slight interaction in the grand scheme of things to become yet another deplored event in my teenage years.
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